Sunday, 3 March 2013

Ten Cheesy Horror Films You Must See

            It might seem odd that I've admitted to having questionable taste in movies and now I'm going to suggest some films for you to see. I may have questionable taste when it comes to movies in general, but I have excellent taste in cheesy horror films. I'm a bit of a connoisseur. I've got a reputation for it. A friend and her husband were flipping through Netflix when they came across Rubber (2010). I got a Facebook message from her which said, "Katie, we saw this movie about a telepathic tire that kills people. That's your kind of movie!" I haven't seen that one yet, but I keep hoping I'll find a copy somewhere. For Christmas last year, my biological mother and her husband sent me a copy of The Capture of Bigfoot (2005) with a note stuck on the front of it which says, "Katie, it's really bad. Enjoy!" So, you can see that I have extensive experience with cheesy horror films.
            There are so many ways a horror film could be cheesy. It could be playful or silly, both of which I enjoy. It might be low budget or perhaps it has cheesy special effects. Or it could be masterful, serious, and overacted. I love cheesy horror films like I love cheese: I love them all. There are some that you really must see and they're all so unique. No spoilers ahead- just the key selling points, I promise! They're in no particular order- I can't rank my favourite cheeses and I couldn't rank my favourite cheesy horror films!
            Gary Busey. Need more? Gary Busey as an evil gingerbread man run amok. And there are two sequels so watching this trilogy is a whole evening of family fun! Well, it depends on the family, I suppose.
            A lovely, quirky vegan couple get married and tragedy strikes on their honeymoon. Love and zombies- I haven't seen Warm Bodies (2013) yet, but love and zombies are an interesting combination. I hate chick flicks, so this is about as close to sap as I can get! So if your partner wants to watch something romantic, you can feel good about suggesting this film, I promise you. It's a perfect relationship compromise. But I am single, so perhaps I shouldn't be doling out relationship advice. Nah, you can totally trust me on this one.
            Vincent Price, in all his wonderful, talented, creepy glory. Skip the 2005 Paris Hilton remake. This one is theatrical, artistic, and creepy. I love gore, but you don't miss it here. Sure, there are no boobs, but there are old timey costumes, a masked psychopath, and fight scenes. I almost feel bad for calling it cheese because I know the connotation attached to that, but I mean Mr. Price no insult. He's great in this, as in all of his films.
            No, this is not the heart-warming Michael Keaton film. An evil snowman bent on revenge stalks the people of a small town, including Shannon Elizabeth. Hilarious death scenes. I watched this on a first date once (his choice, since he knew I loved cheesy horror films). We never went out again, but I love having great things to take away from dates. This man, whose name I can't even recall, gave me the gift of this film. Now, I give this gift to you and you don't even have to buy me dinner. But it would be a nice gesture.
            A nurse starts a new job at a mental health facility with some apprehensions. 70s cheese at its best, but also a little scary. Not the film itself, but it's scary like Orphan (2009) because it makes me think, "What if?" I had a job interview where I seriously wondered if I was walking into a similar situation. I assume, since nothing scary happened, that my overactive imagination once again got the best of me, but nothing keeps things interesting for me like imagining weird things. There is a 2012 remake that IMDb lists as being in post-production and I can't wait to see it and tear it apart. I can't imagine it can be any better than this 70s gem!
            Gross. Just disgusting. In all the very best ways, of course. Gore, eyeballs, a curse, bad things happening to a pretty girl- all the good stuff! This film is directed by Sam Raimi, the genius behind The Evil Dead (1981), so you know what you're getting into. You could also watch it simply for the devastatingly sexy Dileep Rao because his voice and his beard are both awesome. Go on. Google his picture and then check him out on YouTube to hear his voice.  Thank me later.
            While I only named the first movie, I really mean the whole Puppet Master series. There are lots of films and they greatly vary in their cheesiness. The puppets are sometimes evil and sometimes heroes. They're adorable. They battle the Nazis. As the series goes on, more puppets appear and the history behind the puppets creation is revealed. I'm not a collector of movie merchandise, but I would love to own the whole collection of puppets. And yes, I would command them to do my bidding. And yes, you'd have to remind me they're only toys.
            A good-looking, socially awkward Crispin Glover makes friends with the rats in his house and plots revenge on those who have wronged him. And not just any rats. These rats have personality and pretty impressive intelligence. Like Master Splinter before the ooze mutated him, only a little evil. It's fun, it's gory, and it features R. Lee Ermey, who I love. This is a remake of a 1971 film of the same name, which I have not seen, and that fills me with sadness. I have a sudden curiosity about filmmaking with rats in the 70s. I wonder if the Humane Society was on set for the 70s version.
          The title tells you exactly what you're going to get in this movie and you won't be disappointed, I assure you. Adult film star Jenna Jameson stars as a stripper at a club that is infiltrated by zombies. This film also features Robert Englund, well known for playing Freddy Kruger in the Nightmare on Elm Street series from the 1980s, as the sleazy club owner. The gore is entertaining and the final fight scene is incredibly amusing. It's entertaining, hilarious, and attempts to be thought-provoking, which is wonderful. I was a zombie stripper a few years ago for Halloween and I'm happy to report that the makeup effects in the film are much better than the job I did on my own face!

 Me as a zombie stripper, Halloween 2010
            Okay, it may seem as though I've got a lot of non-human killers on here, but so often that's all it takes to make a movie cheesy. This movie features a murderous, talking turkey. It doesn't matter if the movie is Schindler's List (1993). If Oskar Schindler had been played by a talking turkey instead of Liam Neeson, we'd have cheese. Spray cheese, even. The turkey is hilarious. Like The Gingerdead Man (2005), there are just so many wonderful, cheesy lines. And boobs in the first second of the film- you know, in case they forgot to put some boobs later in the film. Sadly, this wonderful film is not a part of my DVD collection yet, but my birthday is coming up in May!
            I suggest you print out a copy of this list and head out to your local store to purchase copies of these DVDs. No, wait. There's a very good chance that you won't find any of these films available locally on DVD. Try Amazon or eBay. Check local pawnshops and the like that sell used DVDs. Watch a few and let me know what you think of my suggestions. Or maybe you've already seen some of these, so feel free to comment with some suggestions. I'm always interested in hearing about cheesy horror films I may have missed out on!

© Katie Jolicoeur and Blackhearts & Raspberry Tarts, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material, written or visual, without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Katie Jolicoeur and Blackhearts & Raspberry Tarts with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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