I'm more romantic than "The Bachelor"- and that's saying a lot!

            So, I can't say I'm unfamiliar with "The Bachelor," but I can say that I have never watched an entire season of it. I can't say I've ever chosen to watch it. Mom hadn't watched any of the current season, but she wanted to watch the finale last week. So, I snuck disgusted peeks at it while watching my Bridesmaids DVD on my laptop. I am the first to admit that typical romance and chick flick nonsense makes me ill, but I can't be the only one who thinks "The Bachelor" is the anti-romance. There are so many things that make a sane person scratch his or her head, but some people just lap this shit up- and call me unromantic!

            Yeah, I'm pretty intolerant of the typical romantic bullshit that so many women fall for, but that just means I have different taste. I want to know a person before I begin my courtin' (yeah, I went old school there). I'm no prude, but I really don't think you can date double-digits worth of prospective partners concurrently and expect to really get to know a person. There are way too many problems with this set-up, but people are still watching. How could it go so far off the rails? Wait, are we starting with the assumption it was ever on the rails?

            Before the finale was even over, there were promos playing for the next season of this reality TV show. The voiceover asked, ""Are you the best choice for the new bachelor or bachelorette?" The problem is that, at this point, they had not even announced who the next bachelor or bachelorette was going to be. How am I to know if I'd be a good match for a person I don't know? I mean, the confident part of me wants to think I'm perfect for anyone (of course, it's not the case that everyone is perfect for me- I'm choosy!). That's ridiculous. Not everyone would enjoy my love of cheesy horror films, how I always wear pajamas if I'm at home, or my crazy cooking/baking exploits. If you're sitting at home watching "The Bachelor" and think, "I don't know who this person is, male or female, but I know I'm perfect for him... or her," I have to wonder about you. Imagine showing up, as the person chosen as the next bachelor or bachelorette and knowing that people applied before even knowing who you are. Can you honestly believe that you're going to find the love of your life in this pool of people chosen for you by a stranger?

            Sure, you might point out that the producers of the show likely interview the new bachelor or bachelorette a number of times to get a good idea of what he or she would consider a good romantic match. I can only imagine, from seeing the pool chosen this time around, that the bachelor asked for conventionally attractive women with fairly boring personalities and a love for crappy reality TV. Clearly, that's why I've never received a call back from the producers of "The Bachelor"... kidding! You guys know me too well for that! I'd be far more likely to audition for "Flavor of Love" because Flavor Flav is at least entertaining (I wonder what slightly degrading nickname he'd give me...).

            Speaking of degradation, what is romantic about being one of 25 people dating a person simultaneously? Sure, "The Bachelor" isn't a typical dating situation, but how do you really get to know a person in a pool that large? Sometimes I think adopting a second cat might make me worry about spending enough time with the first- how did the bachelor know he was eliminating the right people? How did he know he was getting to know the women well enough before eliminating them- and proposing to just one- in the six weeks it takes to film the season?

            Now we should acknowledge that many people believe you can love more than one person at a time. I'm not going to throw myself on that grenade right now, so let's stick with the concept of the show: that a man is searching for his ONE true love. In six weeks, he whittles a pool of 25 women down to just two. He takes them both home to meet his parents, takes them both on romantic dates, and tells them both how he cares for them- up until the final episode. I know it's a show and it really wouldn't be good TV if you knew who he was going to pick, but you'd think he has got to know which girl he is going to pick when he's making out with both of them the day before he proposes to one of them. Where is the romance in that? Either he really isn't sure who he is going to marry or he does know and he continues to make good TV by having his cake and eating it too. This can't be the romance that people dream about their whole lives, can it?

            Bachelor: I want to marry you, not that other girl.. But if you ever watch this season on TV, just know that kissing her meant nothing even though I said I was falling for her. It's just good TV, baby.

            Contestant: This has been the best six weeks of my life, having gone on only a handful of televised dates with you, only some of which did not include other women. I'm sure our love will last forever. Get yourself tested before you touch me, though. Who knows what you did with the other 24 girls!

            Now, I may have left you with the distinct feeling that I hate romance. This is not the case. You want to know my favourite romantic moment on film? The scene in Stranger Than Fiction (2006) when Will Ferrell's character brings Maggie Gyllenhaal's character, a baker, a variety of flours. It's so real. He brings her something that shows he knows what she needs and would love. That is so much more romantic and real than a generic red rose. I once dated a guy who brought me a vacuum cleaner and it was the most romantic gift I've ever received. He knew my vacuum was broken and that I couldn't afford one immediately. Sure, he could have brought a bouquet of red roses, but that isn't going to clean the Doritos crumbs off my carpet. I'm romantic- just in a real way, which is why "The Bachelor" is so off-putting.

            If I created my own reality TV show to showcase my search for love, I can tell you I'd be choosing the group of men. No producer is going to be able to choose a proper pool of men for me when I haven't even been able to choose a proper pool of men for myself yet. Maybe I'd have "American Idol"-type auditions where men need to impress me with some sort of talent. I wouldn't be giving out roses- they'd be the one bringing gifts. And cheap red roses wouldn't cut it for this bachelorette- they'd better get creative! You guys should nominate me for the next bachelorette because you know if you're going to watch reality TV you'd want to watch someone who would actually keep it real- and you know you can always trust me to do that! I'll be waiting for my call from the producers of "The New Bachelorette." You know my schedule is completely open right now.

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